And we have a winner…

A friend once told me that if you took all the excess fat off the American population, it would fill the Grand Canyon. Having visited the Grand Canyon, this remains one of the most disturbing and utterly revolting trivial facts I have ever been privileged to hear. Now, in the average American’s defense, eating any substance that could possibly be identified as ‘healthy’ or ‘nutritional’ is one expensive habit, and one that many Americans can’t afford.

With this disclaimer out of the way, I am now free to introduce you to one of the most incredible culinary delights I have ever laid my eyes upon. There is nowhere in the world that provides the same range of deadly eating options as the American supermarket. Isle after isle of mass produced frozen death traps stare eagerly at unsuspecting shoppers as they pass by with their industrial sized carts. The lights shine brightly as gorgeous models promote the dietary ‘advantages’ of cramming the equivalent of three-days food into one pristine breakfast bar…’for people on the go’. In stark contrast lies the dreaded fruit and vegetable section, relegated to a dark and lonesome corner, much like the ‘adult’ section of the video store, which shoppers are equally embarrassed to be found browsing in. Luckily, many stores are sensitive enough to carefully place ‘other’ food stuffs throughout the fruit and vegetable section, allowing ashamed shoppers to pretend they were indeed looking for the pumpkin pie or caramelized apples if caught unaware.

While I will be sure to keep this updated and current, the winner of this months coveted “Most Deadly Boxed Foodstuff” goes to the now legendary Jimmy Deans Chocolate Pancakes and Sausage on a stick. This award winner easily covers each of the major food groups (fat, sugar, meat and chocolate), and delivers a microwaveable package of breakfast, lunch and desert…all on a stick! So ladies and gentleman, it’s official. The American Revolution…the Civil War…the Civil Rights Movement…thanks to Jimmy Dean…it was all worth it.

Pictured: ‘Heaven’ in a box.